ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
Randomize
