if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
Randomize
