Aj just asked if we were going to the bulldog tonight..i told her no because of the expense and tests coming up..but mostly because i don't want herpes
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
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