I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
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Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
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I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
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