I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
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