Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Alive.
So much puke
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
Randomize
