youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
Randomize
