Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
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Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
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she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
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