my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
Life is so much better after having sex.
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
