on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
Randomize
