Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
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