Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Randomize
