matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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