You kept calling me your small dog last night.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
First time not coming to this class high in a month and a half, never again will i put myself thru this torture
Randomize
