My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
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