Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
