I hope mine doesn't look like that
I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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