haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize
