I wanna go to beed woth a nboy
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
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