Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
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