Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
