I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
