Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
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