woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
