as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
