I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
that's an acceptable place to lick
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
Randomize
