I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
Randomize
