A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
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