Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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