My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
Last day of classes. 1st day attending every class. I'm proud of myself
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Randomize
