If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
True strength comes from lack of pants
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
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