he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
