How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Randomize
