my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Randomize
