I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
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