I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
