Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
