my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
Randomize
