I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Randomize
