meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
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