so explain again why im purple
no
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
