I will die if light touches me.
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
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