And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
Randomize
