so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
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