go do what you do best...puke behind churches
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
I did not marry a roomba.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
