I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
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