Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
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