if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Yes, it's true. 4 fingers.
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Randomize
