I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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