You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
Randomize
