Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
Randomize
