I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
Randomize
