I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I obviously couldn't but this on your fbook wall. I would get judge. I would willingly get tbagged by him. You can quote me on that.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"