i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Randomize
