She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
I'm gonna fight the coyote
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
