Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I still can't believe that I ate McDonald's off of my chest in his bed...
Cross faded me is not the classiest.
No not at all haha I wish there was a picture of that
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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