look no pants
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
