the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
Randomize
