the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Randomize
