i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
