Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
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