look no pants
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
