Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
